(Originally written in April 2022)
One in 30,000. That’s how rare an albino deer is.
I never used to consider the odds. Always thought I’d be forever in the majority. I mean, I’m the person who never wins raffle prizes. Never. Except the one time Jeremy (not me) won a bright green cruiser bike at a race, that was pretty funny. I never pay much mind to raffles or lotteries of any kind. My first experience with bad luck of the draw was shortly after moving to Baton Rouge and doing a genetic screening at my routine OBGYN annual appointment. Boom. Tested positive for BRCA1. The odds? One in 400. Not only that, my imaging came back abnormal so I had to do an excisional biopsy to remove the area. A few months later, an abnormal dermatology visit resulting in the removal of a questionable area. Ironically on the same breast (shit luck, right?). Thankfully I had a few years of boring, average results until Fitz came along.
One in 700. That’s the odds of having a baby born with Down syndrome in the US. Take that statistic worldwide and it increases to one in 1,000 (of live births, but that’s a conversation for another day). How common is hypoplastic right heart syndrome? Approximately one in 50,000 (but even that estimate isn’t super accurate based on the rarity). At any rate, I started giving up on the odds being ever in my favor. Until you are the “1 in…” you don’t give it a second thought. “Sure that happens, but not me, not anyone I know” quickly smacks you in the face of the reality of being amongst the rarity. I’ve been living in such a world of negativity and bitterness when it comes to “the odds.” I’m normally a glass half full kind of gal, but even this gal can turn skeptical after so many medical results came back not in our favor. That is, until our most recent Godwink.
I had never heard of this term until Jamie mentioned it and I’ve opened myself up to receiving these little moments. What is a Godwink, you ask? It’s those moments or events that are so coincidental or deliver so much meaning that it makes you question divine intervention. I’ve struggled with my own faith, even more so as it has been tested over the past year, but some things even I couldn’t deny. Examples include: learning about Fitz’s diagnosis on National Son’s Day during Down Syndrome Awareness month, his heart surgery taking place on Valentine’s Day, the first passage I read from a devotions book gifted by Jamie hitting so close to home and being just what I needed (see below for that passage), and now, the mother of all winks, seeing an albino deer on an evening family walk.
Jeremy mentioned seeing this deer a couple of weeks ago during his early morning departure. I thought it was cool but seeing as I didn’t really grow up hunting or around nature I didn’t grasp just how rare this creature is but still hoped I’d get to see it one morning. Then, during a typical evening walk, while talking to my parents about my dad’s oncology appointment, Jeremy spotted the deer, along with two others, 100 yards away. It was breathtaking. Stop in my tracks, jaw drop mesmerizing. I’ve never been struck by such beauty and awe in an animal (other than Gia of course). I swear we locked eyes and it saw in to my soul. Of course when I tried to creep for a closer look it scampered away, but those few minutes of seeing it really moved me.
When I got home I looked it up to see how rare albino deer are (after of course making Harry Potter references first). One in 30,000. Holy shit. That’s more rare than the BRCA mutation, rarer than a baby with Down syndrome. The only one that takes the cake is hypoplastic right heart syndrome but hopefully with some incredible medical intervention our dude will get to have two ventricles. I can’t help but see that deer as a symbol of Fitz. How drastically it stood out from the rest, but how captivating and beautiful it was. The white stag is also Harry Potter’s patronus, and as a lifelong Potterhead, this is not lost on me. The boy who lived and his animal guardian.
I have no double I’ll see that deer again, but if that just so happens to be the one and only glimpse I get, I’ll take it and remember it whenever I’m fearful of Fitz’s future and open myself up for more signs, winks, and protection spells.
“Sit quietly with me, letting all your fears and worries bubble up to the surface of your consciousness. There, in the Light of my Presence, the bubbles pop and disappear. However, some fears surface over and over again, especially fear of the future. You tend to project yourself mentally into the next day, week, month, year, decade; and you visualize yourself coping badly in those times. What you are seeing is the false image, because it doesn’t include Me. Those gloomy times that you imagine will not come to pass, since My Presence will be with you at all times.
Luke 12:22-26; Dueteronomy 31:6; 2 Corinthians 10:5
When a future-oriented worry assails you capture it and disarm it by suffusing the Light of My Presence into that mental image. Say to yourself, ‘Jesus will be with me then and there. With His help, I can cope!’ Then, come home ot the present moment, where you can enjoy Peace in My Presence.”