(Originally written in April 2022)
Beau was about 6 months old when Covid happened.
She got to experience her first and last Mardi Gras in New Orleans, including a bead packet to the noggin (thanks to dad), before the world changed. While raising a child in the midst of a pandemic is absolutely terrifying, there were some pretty amazing silver lining moments that came from it. Working from home with her was tough, but I got to experience so many of her “firsts” that I otherwise would have missed with her being at daycare. Jeremy and I also got to spend more time together than we had since our days of finishing school in Milwaukee. It was amazing to see him experience fatherhood so fully by spending so much time around Beau. If I haven’t said it enough, he really is an incredible father. I loved our time spent together but it was unsettling once I was back at work and she was in daycare. Her daycare was great with their protocols, I truly couldn’t have asked for a safer environment, but I was always worried about one of us getting Covid and passing it on to another child or medically fragile adult. So much so that at one point she was leading the pediatrician’s office as the child with the most Covid tests (all negative, but, better safe than sorry, right?).
By April 2021, I was feeling optimistic about expanding our family. Vaccines were readily available and I thought there was no way this would continue beyond summer. Surely by the time I was pregnant and delivered masks and the fear of this virus would be a thing of the past. Cute, right? I managed to make it through my entire pregnancy without Covid or any other major illnesses. I’m still so surprised how my body has handled pregnancy, I swear I actually feel my immune system is stronger, but maybe it’s just me being extra cautious that keeps me healthy. At any rate, my anxiety was even higher once we had his diagnosis. I was so worried about what me getting Covid would do to our heart baby. But, we made it. He arrived and we made it through a 5 week NICU stay, major surgery and second hospital stay, and move to a new city without getting sick.
Until the end of April.
I had finally loosened my reigns of fear. Of course we still mask up at medical appointments, but beyond that I said goodbye to my mask. I should add this is mostly because I don’t really “do” anything other than things outside and the occasional restaurant. As my luck would have it. This is when that sneaky little minx crept in and knocked me down. It started with Beau having a fever and being completely not herself. She didn’t eat and was on the couch ALL day. This is this child who is up and literally running from the moment she wakes up. And snacking. Always snacking. I knew something was up so I took her to see her pediatrician for a same day appointment. Keep in mind we are still new to the area and she hasn’t had an appointment yet. She did meet the pediatrician when she tagged along for Fitz’s appointment so at least there was familiarity and she’s finally over the stage of crying the ENTIRE time the doctor is in the room. Since we hadn’t been around any positive Covid cases, he didn’t even bother doing a swab, which I agreed with. Wrote it off as a spring fever virus, because, #toddlers. Classic Beau she was fine the next day.
Well, a few days later, after spending the day outside at a cute downtown small town festival, my throat hurt. I figured this was because I had been in the sun for the first time in forever and took a Zyrtec and went to bed. Long story short the next day I woke up feeling sick so took one of my free government mailed at home Covid tests and popped a positive. What? Positive? Me? No. I’ve been the one so careful… ish. I actually was surprised at how indifferent I felt. I dreaded this moment and worried I’d feel dirty, guilty, and somehow like I “broke the rules.” Thankfully I didn’t feel any of that because I didn’t “do” anything wrong. It’s so hard in the times of Covid. There’s constant judgment everywhere from all sides. I was just relieved to have found a place of peace and balance between protecting my family (mostly Fitz) and living my life. I’m now on day 4, or 5, I don’t know, and finally woke up not feeling worse. I’ve been watching Fitz like a hawk and over analyzing every sneeze, cough and nap, because that’s my worry, him and his heart. I don’t know how I’ll handle it if he gets sick from this but if we make it to next week and he’s still fine I will be so grateful!
At least now I know I’ll be in the clear for the upcoming bachelorette party and to see my dad, who will be undergoing chemo, in a few months.
Cancer
Covid
Chemo
What a nasty little trifecta of C words.
All I know, is that living through a pandemic when you have a difficult time letting go of control, is exhausting. I think I’m *finally* at a place of peace, but I know that will be shattered if Fitz gets sick. Stay tuned.
Spoiler Alert – Fitz did end up getting sick (presumably Covid, I didn’t bother getting him tested) but thankfully his symptoms were also mild.